Wednesday, January 16, 2008


Okay so where was I? Let's talk about something after age fourteen. My story isn't that interesting until I hit fifteen. All of the sudden a whole lot of things started making a lot more sense around fifteen. Not a shock to you, but it sure was to me. I was really really really confused as a child. The terrible thing was that I was aware of it. Nothing nothing nothing made sense no matter how often I thought about it. It was because I was accepting a reality that wasn't true. Things that were real, that I could touch and see, contradicted the magical world of religion I was living in. Why does mommy stay with that man (my father) when he is so abusive? Because the Bible says she must. Why does God want my loving mother to suffer? It is his will. It is meant to be. This is the way life is. I hated life for a long time. I secretly hated God and felt ashamed of it for a very very very long time.

I remember this time very clearly, because I had been waiting for it for the longest time. At a very young age my brain could not make sense of my mom telling me, "If you are pregnant at age ___ I will know I failed you." I don't remember the age, probably something that ended in teen. I thought about that for years and years and years and even though she explained it I still didn't understand. I couldn't see it from her point of view because I had never been not a child. I could not grasp it. I remember the thing that bothered me the most was that it was possible that I would be ignorant enough to make a choice that would cause me to have something very bad happen to me. Like obviously I can't raise a kid if I don't have money to buy a house and buy it food. I understood THAT part. Quite well, in fact, because I had thought on the subject for so long. (and in the end decided that I did not want children) It bothered me so much that I wanted to do my best to not be ignorant. Then when the day comes that I fuck up colossally I can at least say, "I didn't fail myself because I did my best."

Anyway I didn't understand why it would be her failure and not mine until I started understanding what sex really means, besides baby-making. I understood completely what her expectations were and why, because my brain and body were almost totally getting along. You would think my plan to avoid ignorance would continue, but I kinda get stuck at this point because I got a whole new set of problems to work out. This takes up all my time, so I have a lot less time to sit around and ponder the meaning of life.

It was at this time that the brainwashing took over. I didn't have time to think any differently, because I was too busy getting a boyfriend behind my parent's backs. Oh did I mention I was waaaaaaay behind the majority of my class. I was one of those kids that was terrified of my father so I didn't get to ease in to it like the rest of the kids. I didn't get to have a boyfriend when I was 13 (not that I would have tried to, now that I remember my self-esteem), but it was a rule. All the other kids had boyfriends and girlfriends that they just held hands with. Then four years go by, all this time they are learning how to interact with each other, and at fifteen I enter the scene. I enter at a time when I don't have any idea what they have all learned and I'm going to believe what ever they tell me. So if my boyfriend tells me everyone is doing it, I'm going to believe him. My brain didn't accept that as a great reason to do it, but what if I had had those years of experience to learn? I feel the chances of me getting pregnant would have dropped dramatically. The rules for me should have considered that, but they didn't.

Instead I was taught touching before you are married is a sin. If you sin and then don't repent before you die you will go to hell. Holy shit, guys, I'm terrified. I'm fucking fifteen and I'm terrified and I don't know what to do.

So I turn to God.

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